I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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