She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
