This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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