That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
