You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
