Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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