So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
