umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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