Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
