it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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