Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
