I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize