I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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