She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
