you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
