I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
