just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
