I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
