Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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