dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
