I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
