i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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