I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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