Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
