In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
