anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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