So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
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I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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