i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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