I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
