apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
