Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
