We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
