You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
