my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
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you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
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Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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