You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
