The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
