can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
