She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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