U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
