That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
