she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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