Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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