Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
