he wants to bone in the snuggie
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
