One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
