Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
