listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
