She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
