if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
