Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
