Don't make out with my wife yet
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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