my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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