If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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