Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
