Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
