You're completely useless in the revolution.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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