Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
