Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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