Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
