i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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