where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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