he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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