I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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